She has to cook. She has to clean. She has to lose her schedule. She has to lose her time. She has to give. She has to give. And she has to give...
Besides for her natural desires towards marriage and children, there's got to be something more. When you're in the thick of your married life and you may be struggling with money/children.... what motivates you to work things through is NOT all of your "sparkly feelings" that got you into this mess to begin with! Or your feelings of security by being under a man's roof.
At a certain point, there's got to be an intellectual process that goes way deeper than the initial "love at first I sight" or "the craving for a baby in your arms."
What is her benefit in all of this? What possesses her to go in this direction? There must be an answer to this. Because there are MANY women that are going in this direction. (And there are many that are not.)
This topic may be taboo. It may be an inappropriate question to ask. It may be a given that a woman wants to get married. It may be what a woman ought to do in her life...
But I ask the question anyway.
Because I see many women that are struggling with this thought. Even if they're not openly expressing it. They are hesitant to settle down and commit to a marriage. They don't want to invest into a home in the way that a home needs. They don't feel the motivation that women in yesteryear took for granted.
I met a friend this week who told me about a friend of hers that got married at the age of 38. She had her career. She had money. She had a house. After 5 months of marriage, her husband was out of a job. There were bills to pay. Now the grit began to set in. She called up my friend to tell her "what have I gotten myself into!"
So the simple answer is what my husband told me: that every frum boy learns in yeshiva in ninth grade. It says in the gemarah (kedushin-I'll ask him for the exact page) that no woman wants to be alone. So that's the general reason why a woman would want to get married.
But that doesn't answer why she would want to have children.
We don't have a question about a man. A man wants to be married because he has a home. A wife, for a man, means that he can be focused. He has a base that he can spring off of and thereby his dreams can be actualized. He can build a family through a woman. He can enjoy the benefits that this world has to offer at its maximum. If you think about it, what is a man really able to do without a wife? He goes to work to make money for himself and is constantly distracted by other women. He doesn't feel that security of his own wife at home. And then, he can't enjoy the benefits of raising his own children. I've yet to find a man who says they don't want children. Every man's natural desire is to marry a wife and have children.
And every woman's natural desire is to marry a man and have children.
Unless her natural desires got tainted along the way.
Unless her emotions got buried so deep that all she is left with is layers of fat around her heart. So many layers, so much residue, that she will have to peel off each piece one at a time in order to get to her heart. And as a result, she has no desires. Her heart is buried so deep that all she recognizes is the fat that has accumulated around her desires. And all that fat creates desires for everything external. Like cars. Like careers. Like food. Like fun. Like sleep. Like living up to the Jones'.
And she loses access to her real desires.
Because every woman's innate desire is to be married to a man and have children.
And if she's lost that desire, than she must have a lot of residue around her heart.
But it's more than that.
Adam and Eve's sin on the sixth day of creation has definitely contributed to the struggle. Eve's sin was greater than Adam's. So her rectification is going to be more all the more complicated.
In general - when a person sins - what happens?
A sin is a deviation from the correct path.
Like a GPS. Each person needs to go in a specific direction in their life. And only G-d can create that route. When we go off track - we need to recalculate. And recalculating means taking a longer amount of time in order to get to our destination.
That's what Eve did. She just went off course.
And as a result, we are still going that course. Until we reach our destination.
You see, every woman has to reach a specific destination inside of herself in her life. (Every man does as well. Except a man does it by going outside of himself. And a woman does it by going inside.) She needs to go DEEPER, WITHIN, INSIDE. And what she gets as a result is she finds HERSELF.
That is her destination.
She finds out who she really is.
Because a woman that doesn't go through this process is not living her own identity. She may be living her husbands. She may be living her mothers. She may be living her sisters. But she doesn't come to herself.
Because Inside is really the only route.
I've seen many women that have not gone through this process. How do I know? Because their desires are all male in nature. I ask them what they want and they tell me Fame, Fortune, Career, and Success.
Women, behind all those layers of fat, don't really want all of this. Women value FRIENDSHIP, HAPPINESS, FAMILY, SERENITY, BEAUTY. See this past article.
I remember my husband telling me about an incident that happened in shul one week. He was talking with some men and noticed one of them wearing these BIG, PINK, gaudy cuff links. So very naively he questioned "Are those cuff links made in China?" The guy was so offended! "WOE - there goes my $40,000 that I spent on these. I took a woman's earrings and made them into cuff links. Wait till my wife hears this..."
I thought this was a funny story. First of all, I could never imagine women having this kind of conversation. If someone was sporting big gaudy jewelry, I doubt that anyone would SAY anything about it. I think other women, would stare, whisper, or eye the piece. But I can't imagine women having such a frank conversation about her opinion about someone else's jewelry. And even if the woman was so socially awkward as to make this remark, the other woman would probably sulk in silence or come home and cry on her pillow. Secondly, I was thinking, that if a woman would by herself a piece of Jewelry that was worth $40,000, by G-d she'd make sure it didn't look like it came from China!
Just look at the difference in the way a man and a woman throw a party. Notice the tablecloth colors. And the choice of flowers. It's just going to be - Uh - different.
Because a woman is different. She wants different things in her life from a man.
And the only way for her to access those desires is through her husband and her children.
I see women that are mellow and meek. And they see a man and all of a sudden they are pointing out all of his faults. What happened?
From where did she access this voice?
I used to to think that I was calm, and patient, and serene.
Until I had children.
Then I became a person that I didn't even recognize. All of a sudden I learnt how to scream! I didn't even know I had it in me!
Our children (especially little boys) bring out the worst in us. They bring it all up. Whatever we thought we were concealing from the world, our children squeeze out of us.
But they also bring out the best.
They also show us that through bringing up our defects from within, we begin to face ourselves. We begin to acknowledge that we are imperfect human beings that are striving to become perfect. They show us our inadequacies and only through that lens can we begin to remove the layers in our hearts.
And then we can reach our destinations.
Only through our husbands and children.
And the people that choose not to go through that journey, do not end up in the same destinations.
They may just be going through the forests without ever reaching home.