In a previous article I’ve written the definition of the Red Grapes and Green Grapes. Red grapes are the passionate and idealistic people and green grapes are the practical and down to earth people.
I wrote how often Red will marry Green. There are also plenty of Green who marry Green. In this article I will speak about the needs of each. This can come up in marriage (especially if both are opposites.) As well as in the workplace, friendships….
Anytime we are working with people, we need to take somebody else’s needs into account. Of course this doesn’t mean that when we think about somebody else we need to negate our own. When we are in a relationship, there needs to be TWO peoples needs on the table.
Sometimes we need to NEGATE our own in order to accomplish something BIGGER.
Like, if I need to talk over an idea in order to clarify it on my head, I may have to negate that need to give my husband supper. Since his need is greater than mine at this moment. Does this mean that I CANNOT talk over my ideas? As I always need to be taking care of other people’s needs in my family? No. But at this very moment, I need to hold off with that need. It can go vise versa as well.
Whatever the needs are, all people are coming into life with NEEDS. As we are HUMAN and not G-D. (Only King Pharaoh didn’t have human needs.)
For some reason, in our culture, we only thing that TANGIBLE needs are legit. Like food, clothing shelter…. Every other need is as if it’s NONEXISTENT.
This is so FAR from the truth!
Some needs are tangible and some are very intangible.
Should I tell you a secret?
I know that we shouldn’t be giving in order to get something in return. But, “Metoch Sheloh Lishmah Ba Lishmah” When you do something while having in mind the reward, it will lead you to doing it without the reward.
The small prize that you will get by giving your spouse or your friend… THEIR TRUE NEEDS is that they will be happy to give you your needs in RETURN!
Yes! That’s the natural consequence!
Besides the fact, as I quote my aunt, “Someone else’s Olam Hazeh is my Olam Habah.” Before we get to Olam Habah, we need Olam Hazeh as a means of getting there. We first need to figure out WHAT Olam Hazeh is.
So what are the needs of the Red Grapes and what are the needs of the Green Grapes?
Remember, I spoke about the Red Grapes being more EMOTIONALLY driven. So their needs are going to be more EMOTION oriented. They are the people that will need ENCOURAGEMENT. (“I know you can do it!”) A big need of theirs is A LISTENING EAR! Since they have so many ideas in their heads they usually need someone to talk to in order to bounce off their ideas. The concepts that they may speak about may even sound REPETETIVE to the Green Grape ear! This is OK! Even if it may be hard to listen to someone tell you the same thing a hundred times. You are giving what the OTHER person needs. Not only what YOU WANT to give.
You will need EMPATHY (“That must have been such a hard situation to pull through from.”) UNDERSTANDING (“I know how much that person means to you – that gift from her must have meant a lot.) MOTIVATION (“Don’t give up! I’m waiting to see your results!”) They also need TIME. You can’t expect them to give forth results in a day.
While the Green Grapes are more RESULT oriented. Meaning they enjoy working hard and seeing the fruits of their labor. They are more TANGIBLE people.
So what do they need?
They need lots of PRACTICALS. They need FOOD. They’d like help with their ORGANIZATION. They’d like to get exact DIRECTIONS on how to get their destination. They want someone to PHYSICALLY help them with their work. (Fold the laundry, prepare the food, arrange cleaning help, fill up their tires with air….) Anything that will make their PHYSICAL life easier.
They also like APPRECIATION. It’s a HUGE need for a Green Grape! They put all that time and energy into something. The least you can give them is sincere appreciation.
1. We cannot divide men’s needs and women’s needs into two categories. (Like men are from Mars and women from Venus.) Because it all depends on their nature. Are they a Red Grape or a Green Grape?
2. We ALL need BOTH these needs met in our life! (Even if I’m a red grape, I still need supper on my table. And if I’m a green grape I still need someone to vent my frustrations to.) JUST SOME NEED ONE MORE THAN THE OTHER.
3. There is not a ONE SIZE FITS ALL solution to all of life’s problems.
Like I said before, sometimes you have to negate your own needs for the grand picture. And sometimes you have to negate your spouses needs for the GRAND PICTURE.
A candid example of this dichotomy is seen in the following little story.
I had a friend who just had a miscarriage.Not a major one, but nevertheless, a loss. She’s a Red Grape. She was on her way to the hospital and was in the thick of her emotions. Tears were streaming down her face, “how could this have happened to me?” “Am I going to ever have more kids?”….. Her husband was driving the car. (It was a good thing right? Imagine her driving in this state.) He was in his Green Grape mode. “How do we get to the hospital?” “What are we doing with the baby while we’re gone?” “Did you take that pill that the doctor gave you?” This was a total disaster of a conversation! They were both so stuck in each of their own points of view! If she would have put aside her emotions for a few minutes to take care of some practicalities – and he would have gave her a little bit of care and empathy – this conversation would have given each of them WHAT THEY NEED.
I have another friend who’s husband is very sick. He’s a Red Grape and She’s a Green Grape. He’s been trying to go the natural way for a few years. She is telling him that it’s NOT WORKING. She wants him to get surgery. He is afraid of surgery and doesn’t want to go ahead with it. He is saying: “you don’t care about ME. You care only that your husband should be healthy so YOU can have a normal husband and father.” She is saying: “But the alternate medicine is NOT WORKING.” And she’s giving him proofs of people that went this route that ended up dieing. They are BOTH not hearing each other. She needs to be a little bit more empathic. “I know this is so hard for you. But I’m only saying this to you because I love you. I think that this going to be ultimately better for YOU. I’m NOT only thinking about myself. I care about YOU and that’s why I think you should do this. (Of course she really has to MEAN this when she says it!) And he has to say “I’ve tried this method for a few years now. I realize it’s not working. Is there another way that I can get myself healed? I am very scared of doing surgery. But I have a responsibility to my family. Is there someone that I can call that has done the surgery that has been successful? What do I need to do for myself get rid of my fears?
When each person ALLOWS the other into their world and when each person ENTERS another persons world – we can begin to live TOGETHER!