The Secret to Making a Friend

My heart is heavy now. I feel the pain of the world. There seems to be no end to this terror in Israel. And then I look around me. And I feel the pain of the people that live next to me.
People that are in so much pain. Yet are not even feeling it. People that are very content with their lives yet are bleeding inside. Why is it that I pick up on their pain and they don't? Why can't I be just as immune? Why  am I up in bed at night, while they go on in their daily lives as if nothing is happening?
I never chose this role in life.
And then it dawned on me the reason for all my pain.
People are CLUELESS about how to  make FRIENDS. Whether it be to BE a friend or to MAKE a friend.
People are using their children as pawns in order to have a social status. When this idea occurred to me - I was appalled! Some women are too insecure to be showing anyone their real selves, therefore they use their children to become friends with people.
So their children have no freedom in choosing their friends. It's all about who the mother wants to become friends with.
Is that normal?!
Let me give you a tip about making friends. One tip so small, yet ESSENTIAL to making friends. And that is: AUTHENTICITY
You need to be REAL if you want to make friends. You need to be 100% YOU. Not a copy of your mother, your husband, or the person you are trying to befriend. You need to be yourself.
Just like marriage, friendship is a relationship. A little bit of a different kind of relationship, but nevertheless it still falls under the same category.
Friendship is about sharing a piece of ME with YOU.
It's about CONNECTION.
And you can't connect with someone who is not connected with themselves.
I hear often people saying lines like "in order to have a friend you need to give." Or the famous R'Dessler line "loving =giving"... This is all true!
But there's so much more to this picture! Giving in a relationship is not only about giving presents, advice, or a listening ear. Giving in a relationship means showing my VULNERABILITIES to you. Showing you that I am IMPERFECT.
I think for some reason, that is the blockage that is affecting lots of people from connecting to another person.
Many people have not even discovered their own imperfections and therefore to hear someone else's can be a bit overwhelming! Like you know those people whom you've just spilled yourself out to and you're waiting for a bit of empathy on their part.
But instead all they say is "poor you." "I've never experienced that in my life." Or they go "one up" and start giving you some advice. "If I were you..."
It's so disheartening!
You've just risked being vulnerable to somebody else and they've just totally invaliditaed you.
But you are not alone.
This is the reason why so few people have friends.
I don't know about you, but I don't enjoy having a relationship with a perfect person.
I've got some good things about me as well as some things I need to work on. And should I tell you a secret?
So do you!
Even if you don't admit it in yourself, I see it! And so does everyone else around you. Yes, you have some smarter people that may pick up on your imperfections quicker than others. But eventually EVERYONE sees it. Just give it a little bit of time.
No one is immune. This is why we were put into this world. To complete our imperfections. If we'd be perfect, we wouldn't be alive!
So, do you still want to have friends?
There may be some people out there who may say that they are ok. They don't need friends. It's not worth it to expose their vulnerabilities in order to make friends.
And then you may have other, more mature people who don't want to choose to live their lives alone, who may just choose otherwise.
Now listen to this. Because here is where it gets tricky.
The inauthentic people can LOOK like they have friends. They may have a million people crowding around them. They may be at all their simchos and they may get lots of play dates for their kids. But you will see with time, that when they are REALLY in need of friends, their fan club will run away.
Because all of a sudden, when they are in need of REAL AUTHENTIC friendship, their friends are disappearing.
I've seen this time and time again. Authentic people, who embrace their imperfections, are able to embrace others imperfections. And inauthentic people are afraid to be vulnerable. They can't accept anybody else's dirty laundry. Therefore, their friends abandon them.
I feel bad for them when this happens. I really do!
But they've really dug themselves their own hole.
So being a friend is not JUST about giving ( although that is a big part of it.) Being a friend means embracing my own imperfections as well as everybody else's.
I guarantee you, when you begin to practice this, you will NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN!