Black and White Living

It’s so strange.
When we are children we are told that life is black and white. There are choices that people make. There is good and there is bad.
All you have to do is chose the good.
I was so confused then. I remember thinking “but life is not so simple! There are times when choices are more grey!”
And they would talk about how Mashiach isn’t here because people aren’t being kind to one another. And then the very same teacher would hurt my feelings….
And I was so confused.
If only they would’ve taught me then that life is NOT black and white.
I have a friend who is going through emotional turbulence in her life. She is going through such an imbalance that it is affecting her psychologically as well. Right now her choices are very grey. Like, for her, it would NOT be the right thing to think about dressing more modestly right now. She is almost falling over the deep end! The right choices for her right now is really to think about what makes her the most HAPPY. She should be thinking about how to remain ALIVE! I do shudder to think about if she would be thinking about her spiritual health at this time! She should NOT be thinking about praying more or honoring her parents….
Even though all those things are good things to do and may even be considered “RIGHT.” The place that she’s at right now is to take care of her emotional health. Even if it may look like she’s doing the “wrong” thing.
For me, right now, I feel like I’m in the same boat. I WANT to be a good mother. I WANT to be a good wife. I want to be able to live on a low standard. I WANT to do all the things that good Jewish girls do. And, yet, when I attempt to go there. I just feel RESENTMENT, FRUSTRATION, and ANGER coming to the surface.
I am realizing that I CANNOT take the black and white route.
I realize that I may need to climb the ladder before I attempt to make such choices.
How do I know when I am just “slacking off” or “climbing the ladder?”
Honestly, I really DON’T KNOW. Only G-d knows our true motivations for doing things.
But one thing is for sure! When you finish with the struggle and then start feeling CAPABLE of making better choices, then you know you are headed in the right direction.
Like today, I couldn’t LOOK at my children. Every time I looked at them I was filled with anger and resement towards them. “They robbed me of my FREEDOM! How can I GIVE LOVE when I never received it myself! I am so tired! They take EVERYTHING out of me! I’ve got NOTHING left for MYSELF!”
And so and so forth…..
And then later, at the end of the night, my mood started to shift. I had put my parenting on the back seat because I was feeling like I was going to CRASH. And now, I was in such good spirits, that when my baby woke up I was able to soothe her and rock her back to sleep.
I had won the battle of today.
If I was thinking in black and white mode I would say “So overcome your emotions and do there right thing now. Now your children need you…”
But somehow there’s a quiet voice inside me saying “It’s o.k.. You are NOT PERFECT….You will get there one day…..”
BUT NOT TODAY!
You are o.k.
JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!
Yes, your children are lacking from you as a parent because YOU ARE NOT G-D.
I think your emotions have to work in SYNC with your logic. I don’t think that they each are working independently.
But again, life is not black and white.
So you cannot take my word for it.