For some reason this topic is “taboo”.
I don’t know why.
Maybe because we feel like we are never allowed to get upset at our spouses.
Like we have to look like we have perfect marriages. Otherwise – I don’t know. You never know. There could be the “D” word which is so rampant nowadays…..
So lets keep everything really quiet.
Everything is perfect.
I am very happily married. I have the perfect marriage. Everybody please come and look. Please put me on a showcase for display!
Is this the reason why we are married?
To give off an IMAGE to the world?
What about the benefits that are inherent in marriage?
Believe me. If anyone would REALLY experience the TRUE happiness of a marriage they wouldn’t feel the need to put it on display. They would FEEL it so deeply, it would just emanate all over their faces.
Maybe even to the point of having people flock TO THEM.
So here we are in a marriage and I am upset at my spouse. He didn’t just not take out the garbage….. He did this and this and that!
I am ANGRY! Not just ANGRY, I am LIVID!
So I have a few choices of how to react here:
1) I can deny my feelings. Make believe nothing happened. Because I’m not going to know how to deal with the situation anyway….
2) I can blow up at my spouse. Rant and rave and tell him how much I hate him….
3) I can be upset and disconnect from him and still make him his lunch. I can be upset and not talk to him and still make his bed…..
I can show my anger yet not disconnect. In other words, I can have the magic word called: “BALANCE.”
I feel that the struggles of our generations marriages are VERY complicated. A lot of us have not seen relationships that were so ideal and therefore we have no idea how to do our own. Not only in marriage. We also have seen this in parenting.
A lot of us have grown up thinking that when someone is upset at me “I am ABANDONED!” I am worth NOTHING unless I please those around me. Many of our caretakers felt it their duty to put undue guilt onto those that have wronged them. They wanted to punish MORE than G-D. Sometimes even for things that are not your fault.
So what is the result?
We have a generation that is AFRAID of ABANDONMENT!
We either replicate the vices of the previous generation.
Or else we go the OTHER EXTREME!
We don’t get upset at the people around us. We don’t EXPECT ANYTHING from our loved ones.
And we bring up a bunch of ANIMALS!
When people are not held accountable for their wrongdoings, they don’t learn to CHANGE. They do what they went when they want. And there’s no SHAME.
When we do something wrong – does G-D abandon US?
Aren’t we told that the gates are always open to Teshuvah?
No matter how LOW you’ve sunk.
That Hashem NEVER abandons His creations ESPECIALLY His people.
Why do we have to be “better” than Hashem? Be it in mercy OR punishment.
I have come to the painful realization in myself tonight that I AM AFRAID OF ABANDONMENT!
I said it out in the open.
Its out for the world to know.
I detest that feeling so much! It is so painful! So excruciating, that I will almost DIE in order not to confront that emotion.
So I deny my anger.
Or I fly off my rocker.
In order NOT to FEEL abandoned.
I need to tell myself that “I am ok.” An adult is never abandoned. Only children are abandoned. And even with children – Hashem is ALWAYS taking care of His charges.
Adults AND children.
Have you ever noticed how many times in the Torah Hashem has told our Avos “Do not be afraid.” It is written over ONE HUNDRED times!
Why do we need to hear the same words so many times?
Maybe because that’s human nature. We come to feelings of abandonment easily. We need to counteract that feeling with lots of “do not be afraid’s” from Hashem.
He’s the only one that can give us that security.
And even more than this. We need to not be so afraid of anger at the people around us. We need to learn how to deal appropriately to feelings of anger that arise.
We need to let go of our feelings of abandonment as children and move forward in our lives.
We need to start channelling that fear of abandonment now to G-D.
Because He GAVE us that NEGLECT.
He is capable of giving us the CARE that we need.
He’s just waiting for us to ASK.